Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire. ADDIS ABABA , Ethiopia ( UPI )— A 35 -mile-long rift in the desert of Ethiopia could rip open, creating a new sea in just days, scientists say. The scientists went on to say that they had a GREAT DEAL OF MONEY to move before this happened, and the testimonial of A DEAR FRIEND convinced them that YOU ARE A TRUSTWORTHY SOUL willing to HELP THEM IN THEIR HOUR OF NEED in exchange for A PERCENTAGE OF THE INVESTMENT . CLEVELAND ( UPI )— DNA analysis of what was believed to be a strand of Amelia Earhart’s hair found the item was actually thread, a Cleveland aviation museum said. Based on this discovery, scientists now believe that Amelia Earhart was actually a rag doll. LOS ANGELES ( UPI )— CBS said Tuesday it has ordered five additional episodes of its freshman U.S. comedy series “Accidentally on Purpose.” CBS executives are said to be very confused and have no idea if someone intended to do that or not. MONCTON , New Brunswick ( UPI )—A lioness in a Canadian zoo in New Brunswick will be moved after attacking a juvenile male who didn’t understand her needs while she was in heat, the zoo says. Zoologists are thrilled to have this chance to study the first lioness cougar in captivity. TERRANCE PARK , Ohio ( UPI )—An Ohio woman who may have accidentally tossed her wedding ring into a Halloween bag is hoping for any early visit from Santa Claus. EDMONTON , Alberta ( UPI )—A Canadian man is asking his neighbors to look through their kids’ candy after he apparently dropped his wedding ring into a trick-or-treater’s bag. The two have been contacted by television producers who are eager to produce an updated reality-show version of “Gift Of The Magi”. BOULDER , Colo. ( UPI )—A candidate for Boulder, Colo., City Council spent $14.37 on food for his campaign manager—Sita, the house cat. Sita admits to no wrongdoing, but has announced it will be stepping down from the position to spend more time with its family. CONCORD , N.H. ( UPI )—A New Hampshire man said a giant 222-pound, 8-ounce meatball created by his restaurant was certified as the world’s largest by Guinness World Records. Sources say that the meatball will soon be sharing a house with a big shake and some fries.