Hello and greetings and Happy Post-Halloween! I hope all of you had a great time, wore some fun costumes, and had some tasty candy. As many of you may be aware, Halloween = Gay Christmas so naturally I was in the middle of a great big gay bar party out in Scottsdale that puts on a huge show every year, and after we finished our PussyCat Dolls performance (where the pants on my costume kept threatening to fall down onstage) we were turned loose to get drunk make merry for the rest of the evening. I saw so many interesting things that I doubt you'd see anywhere else, such as a giant inflatable penis costume, or Balloon Boy and a Sarah Palin drag-queen getting into a fistfight, or the real kicker of the night, which was a guy in a black cowboy sex angel costume (I don't know how else to describe it) who started peeing on the ground directly behind me when I was sitting on the curb. Luckily I was able to grab one of the testicles of the inflatable penis costume and protect myself... PaulAndPadma103009.JPG ...looks like Scar's Halloween costume was "Kelly Garrett" from Charlie's Angels... She looks rather uneasy in that picture, doesn't she? I wonder if one of those dishes she's glaring at so mistrustfully reminds her of wrinkly old writerdick (or maybe someone peed on the ground near her, too)? Either way, on tonight's episode of top Chef we discover that Bravo is taking "going green" to the extreme and recycling the old "Celebrity Vegetarian Challenge" from this past season of top Chef Masters, only instead of wacky Meg-Ryan-wannabe and horrible folk singer Zooey Deschanel we're stuck with serious Julia-Roberts-wannabe and the woman some feel is responsible for the destruction of the Star Wars saga, Natalie Portman. Initially I was kinda pissed, because I used all my best Vegetarian jokes in the TCM recap several weeks ago, but in all actuality this turned out to be one of my favorite episodes evah. Find out why after the jump!... Starting off at the McMansion, we find Li'l Volt is still quite bitterly upset after having been told that he won Restaurant Wars and, in fact, had "the best restaurant in six seasons of Restaurant Wars". Life really sucks smelly donkey balls for him, so he's taking out his frustrations by being passive-aggressive and immature sharpening his knives... MichaelKevinKnives110109.JPG ...while imagining his whetstone is 80's Hooker's neck... Yeah, never mind the fact that poor DirtyBear there likely had one of the worst restaurants in six seasons of Restaurant Wars (and they don't get a Do-Over like TC Season 3 did, either) not to mention also losing $2,500.00 (that could have been a nice $10,000.00). Buuuut, I understand how Li'l Volt could feel so downtrodden since his older brother Big Volt refused to capitulate and declare Li'l Volt the Undisputed Chef Master Of The Universe™. Fucktard. Or let's talk about Bitter Jen, and how terrible she feels this morning. She's getting ready and is super-embarrassed that their restaurant "Mission: Inedible" was so terrible. She doesn't say it directly, but I'm guessing she's likely to find several new anusii being torn at random places in her body when she gets back home and has to face Le Wrathé d'Eric Ripert... EricRipertEvilGif110109.gif ...the last thing Bitter Jen will see before she is killed... Still, Jen's trying to do like Mariah Carey said and "shake it off". Or was that "make it happen"? Or maybe "touch my body"? I dunno, in any case, she's trying to move on and pretend it's a brand new day and she's not feeling like a total hack. Speaking of hacks, 80's Hooker is watching coffee brew (fascinating!) and is naturally ecstatic about how Restaurant Wars went. She must be taking extra doses of her prescription Delusionol XR 20mg cuz she really thinks she's holding her own against the other chefs and says that every Elimination Challenge she survives makes her feel like she just knows she can do this... "I'm here for a reason!" Yes, to create ratings and drama and be someone that Andy Cohen can then ask smirkily coy questions of at the reunion show. Now go think up some new ways to annoy Fat Kid and Sexist Pigshit, please... RobinFace110109.JPG ...and maybe wash your hair?... They dress and pack up and head off to the "M" Resort @ Casino (where the jokes about how far away it is have run dry. You're welcome.) to meet Scar and today's guest restauranteur in desperate need of publicity to boost their eatery's sagging profit margin judge, Paul Bartolotta... PaulBartolotta110109.JPG ...who has exactly zero enthusiasm for being here... Sexist Pigshit tells us how awesome ol' LottaButt there is, what with being a multiple James Beard Award winner and one of the top Italian chefs in the country and having been a Vegas fixture on the restaurant scene for many years and blah blah blah, anybody Pigshit is impressed with already has one strike against them in my book. In any event, today's Quickfire Challenge is sponsored by TV Guide (which is why Scar says "TV Guide" a skillion times in the next 47 seconds... and hey, does anybody even bother with TV Guide anymore when most cable services provide interactive online guides?) Anyhow, the challenge is going to require them to reinterpret the classic "TV dinner", and TV Guide has selected seven "iconic" shows for the cheftestants to be "inspired" by, and the good old knife block is trotted out... JenFace110109.JPG ...while Bitter Jen gets a head start on her Daily Migraine™... DirtyBear pulls The Sopranos (gobbagool!) while Bitter Jen gets The Flintstones (dino-burgers!) and 80's Hooker lands Sesame Street (cookies for counting!). Big Volt has chosen M.A.S.H. (ummmm, Korean food?) and Sexist Pigshit's saddled with Seinfeld (no soup for you!) as Li'l Volt receives the ill-matching Cheers (yay for crappy bar food). The best is when Fat Kid gets Gilligan's Island because he's too young to remember the show (or see his resemblance to Bob Denver)! Wait, Gilligan's Island is considered "iconic"? Doesn't a show have to be considered, you know, good to be called that? Sorry, but I have to say I always fucking hated that show, primarily because it was just plain annoying to watch Gilligan screw up yet another way for them to leave the island. And how come The Love Boat didn't make the list? Or Charlie's Angels? Or Cop Rock? Anyhow, Scar gives them 60 minutes and they all run off and start shoving at each other in front of the fridge. Sexist Pigshit grabs the entire package of pork sausage and refuses to trade when 80's Hooker offers to swap him ground beef... FridgePileUp110109.JPG ...so neener-nanner-boo-boo!... 80's Hooker says she grew up on health food and was not allowed to watch TV so she's never actually "sat through" an entire episode of Sesame Street, but she knows who Cookie Monster is, so she's going to make a cookie of some kind. Plus, since she recognizes Big Bird, she's decided to feature an egg that she's molded into the tops of these weird hamburger nests. Someone should tell her it's shit like that that killed Mr. Hooper. Meanwhile, Li'l Volt's telling us that his mom was "a mom mom" and had a home-cooked dinner on the table every night by 6pm, but when they moved in with their father that changed and they started having TV dinners "here and there" (i.e. "every night"). Since he's gotten a joyless show like Cheers he's going to do a spinoff on bar food (called it!). Seems to me he should have had a show with more angst and anal-retentiveness, such as Frasier... MichaelBlends110109.JPG ...as he makes an unhappé frappé... Bitter Jen was hoping for some kind of bone-in steak that she could tie into the Flintstones, but there isn't any such protein to be had in the kitchen right now (and no dinosaur meat, either) so instead she's grabbed a chicken and is going to make a roulade. She says she relates most to Pebbles because she had a "cute little boyfriend" in Bam-Bam, "I dunno that I like that he carries a club around and, like, pulls her by her hair, but... could be fun sometimes!"... JenFace2110109.JPG ...so Bitter Jen does have a freak flag to fly... but I feel I must add... pebbles.jpg ...no one ever dragged this Pebbles around by the hair... Fat Kid claims that he didn't eat TV dinners growing up (I guess it was overeating home-cooked fatty food that made him pudge up) but finds it even more foreign that his inspiration is Gilligan's Island which he snottily brags to us is "about twenty years before my TV-time"... EliFace110109.JPG ...yeah, because Geraldo and America's Funniest Home Videos were such better programming... Big Volt's not taking my Korean food suggestion and is instead choosing to focus on food from the 50's, so he's making meatloaf & M.A.S.H.-ed taters, plus the very American apple pie. I'm wondering if this is going to be too literal of an interpretation of the classic TV dinner. Meanwhile, DirtyBear admits he has "a soft spot" in his heart for a well-prepared frozen meal (not shocking) and tells us he can kinda relate to The Sopranos because his entire family lives on the same street and that to this day Grandma Bear still makes everybody breakfast every morning. How fun for her! I bet Clan of the Cave Bear calls her "dedicated" and "loving"... KevinFace110109.JPG ...while the Department of Adult Protective Services would call it "elder abuse"... Kidding! I'm sure she loves to do it... 'specially when her rheumatiz' is kickin' up dickens. Speaking of abuse, it appears that Bitter Jen's in for some more herself. She's managed to burn her garlic-cream sauce through inattention, and now she's not at all happy with how her food is turning out. Again. This is getting annoying. What happened to the tough East Coast girl who liked to make boys cry in the kitchen? Her right to safely roll her eyes over 80's Hooker's food is rapidly dwindling every time she winds up on the bottom with her. Scar and LottaButt come back in to yell time and seat themselves in front of a 50's TV on a 60's couch... PadmaAndPaul110109.JPG ...while Scar models another 70's pantsuit and LottaButt looks like an 80's commercial for Imodium... all this mixing of decades is really getting to be a bit much. Anyhow, Bitter Jen is the first to present her Flintstonesian meal... QuickfireJennifer103009.JPG ...maybe she shoulda thrown a couple of the vitamins in as garnish?... LottaButt asks her how she felt in the end, and she just kinda nods and says "Ummmmmmmmmyeah, I feel okay right now." Great, I'm sure a lackluster answer like that is going to make them love her dish even more. Sexist Pigshit's up next, and he claims he's never seen Seinfeld before, which LottaButt doesn't believe... and I have to say I don't either, I think Sexist's just saying that so he won't be held accountable for having to actually make a dish that's inspired by the show, it's his way of weaselling out of the challenge... QuickfireMike103009.JPG ...then again, that show was supposed to be "about nothing" and I think that's pretty much what he's given them here... Plus, that green vomit-y Exorcist looking stuff? Is pureéd spinach and pistachios, which is a WTF if I've ever seen one. However, Sexist did include toasted pine nuts on his warm fruit salad, which causes LottaButt to exclaim he's never met a toasted pine nut he didn't like... PaulAndMike2110109.JPG ...until now, anyhow... Here comes DirtyBear to make sure they don't stop believing in him... QuickfireKevin103009.JPG ...by presenting them with "tony's Testicles"... Scar immediately says how much she loves his roasted cauliflower side dish, and LottaButt seems overjoyed that he's discovered peperoncino in the dish as well. It's Fat Kid's turn to present his sneering take on a terrible show that was so far before his TV-time... QuickfireEli103009.JPG ...and it's pissing me off that it looks so damned tasty, too... Although I dunno about the combination of cherries and bananas together, but the rest of it really looks good. LottaButt mumbles something with his mouth full that sounds like a compliment, and I'm going to be really upset if Fat Kid wins this one. Time to see if Li'l Volt's Cheers dish has become as depressing as Shelley Long's and Kirstie alley's careers... QuickfireMichael103009.JPG ...eh, not bad, but it's certainly not a dish worthy of "Troop Beverly Hills"... LottaButt gets all excited again that he has been able to identify the use of fennel in the food, and compliments Li'l Volt accordingly. Oh boy, now we get 80's Hooker, whose description of her dish is one looooong babble about colors and big eyes and several other nonsensical phrases and weird imagery... QuickfireRobin103009.JPG ...such as her deconstructed e.coli burger... It seems as though LottaButt is kinda recoiling from his tray as he attempts to think of something to say, and mentions he "likes the direction" of the dish, but I suspect it's another FAIL. Bringing up the rear tonight is Big Volt's M.A.S.H. dish... QuickfireBryan103009.JPG ...which does look a little like Army-Issue cuisine... Scar lets loose with one of her orgasmic "Mmmmmmmmmmmm!"s and LottaButt says it's really good, which makes Big Volt smile... BryanFace110109.JPG ...in a rather nervous and sharklike fashion, but at least it beats the Li'l Volt Scowlies™... Now that they've finished, Scar asks LottaButt "Whose dishes are up for cancellation?" Turns out that número uno en la lista is Bitter Jen's dish (which causes her to make this weird victory fist-pump when she hears her name called) because her pea salad was meh and her roulade required Rolaids. Then LottaButt says he hates to pick on the girls, but 80's Hooker's dish was also pegged for low ratings because the meat in her eggburger was dry and the rest of the dish was "not special". On the side of Not-Sucking was DirtyBear, who LottaButt says kept his concept consistent, and did great meatballs, plus his pears were perfectly cooked. He also loved Big Volt's dish for his meatloaf roulade and the dessert made them go "Mmmmm." And because it's like sweet water to my parched and cracked soul, here are the faces of the Three Doucheketeers who clearly feel they should have been in the top, and just can't believe they're not... Doucheketeers110109.gif ...all are asshats, and asshats are all!... And the winner tonight... is DirtyBear AGAIN! to be fair, Big Volt does look a little disappointed that he didn't win, but at least he's not pouting or planning revenge like his little brother would be doing right about now. As for DirtyBear's win, there's no more immunity left, but he smiles real big when Scar says that a "version of his winning dish" will be featured in the new line of top Chef frozen foods available from Schwan's home delivery service. As if anybody can afford that shit these days. DirtyBear's so cute, he jokingly asks if they can put his picture on the packaging and then poses for it... KevinFace210109.JPG ...DirtyBear's impression of Sexist Pigshit?... No, that can't be right, because Sexist would have affected some kind of suburban gangsta posin' bullshit more akin to this... IcyHotStuntaz110109.jpg ...because I can never have enough stuntaz of any temperature in my life... In any case, DirtyBear is excited and says the Schwan's man used to come around to Grandma Bear's house when he was a little kid, and obviously he didn't give a second thought to how that sentence sounded, especially when he says "Theoretically?... The Schwan's man could be my Grandpa... She might be able to buy, like, the meal with my face on it." So for today's Elimination Challenge, they'll be taking over Daddy tom's Vegas restaurant Craftsteak at the MGM Grand, and LottaButt gives us a great big shiteating grin while exclaiming what a great restaurant it is, and how Daddy tom makes a killer steak, and I totally believe him, because it's so plausible that he would ever come on this show and say the place sucks. Anyhow, Scar says for one night the menu will be completely theirs, they'll be serving four judges and seven guests, and then turns them loose to go home and plan some shit that we know will be completely thrown out of the window the following day. The next morning at the McMansion, Bitter Jen's doing her best to look sexy for the cameras... JenSexy110109.JPG ...don't ever change, babe... She admits she's just tired and not at the top of her game and needs to refocus. It probably doesn't help that 80's Hooker is bouncing around like a hyperactive terrier and saying how nice it would be if a boy was sent home instead of a girl this time. How about do the challenge first, honey? Of course, we're treated to our daily Sexist Pigshit bluster in which he insists he's not at all intimidated by the others and their skills (even though he's never once won an Elimination Challenge) and that he's just gonna do what he does (ignore whatever the challenge is and make mediocre Greek food) and hope the judges like it. Why does it feel like I've typed that same paragraph 9 times before this? Anyhow, they wind up at Craftsteak and everyone immediately heads into the kitchen to check out all the meat, and they are orgasming right and left over the lovely array of juicy hunks of former animals that are laid out for them. I think DirtyBear might actually be drooling a little. Before they can really get started, though, Daddy tom himself shows up... tomFace110109.JPG ...and is doing a really horrible job of hiding that he knows they're about to get vegefucked... He says that he and Scar have a "special guest in town" and that they're going to be cooking for her and calls Natalie Portman out. Fat Kid immediately pops a huge two-inch erection and tells us the only important acting work Nat's ever done was Star Wars, and I'm guessing he's got a life-size blowup Queen Amidala bop bag at home with crusty stains on it. Oh please... you think that's gross? Check out Sexist Pigshit's expression... MikeFace2110109.JPG ...speaking of Phantom Menaces... Now I'm a little afraid for her, because that's some serious eye-raping going on, but that won't last long, because she's about to deliver her poorly-concealed blow to the cheftestants as Daddy tom invites her to tell them about her likes and dislikes. After a far-too-long lead-in yippy-yap-yapping about all the different flavors and cuisines she loves to try, she drops her bomb about being a vegetarian, and... zzzzzzz. Honestly, this was bad timing, because vegetarian is not nearly as restrictive as vegan, therefore this to me is a far easier challenge than the one levelled at our top Chef Masters a few months ago. If they had really wanted to fuck everybody up, they should have told them she was a Level 6 Vegan (they will eat nothing that has been touched by human hands, so you often find them clustered about at the foot of fruit trees with their faces turned upwards and their mouths wide open... they also drink directly from the Slurpee machine this way, because that counts too). As I suspected, 80's Hooker claims she loves cooking vegetarian food because "they're people, too!" and believes she's going to really shine on this challenge... RobinFace2110109.JPG ..."The same way I brilliantly shone at Pigs'n'Pinot and the Kowboy Kampout!"... Hmmm, did "shine" suddenly become a synonym for "suck"? Anyhow, it's back to the pile-up at the pantry as everyone frantically tries to rethink their dishes. Sexist Pigshit yells for dibs on leeks, while 80's Hooker nabs the wild garbanzo beans, and DirtyBear calls kale. When in the supermarket does anybody ever fight over these ingredients? Bitter Jen is going for the morel mushrooms... at least until 80's Hooker tells her that she and DirtyBear are using them, too, and then suddenly Jen doesn't want them anymore. Someone should tell her that you can't catch the "80's Hooker Shine" that way. Instead she heads for some big beautiful eggplants, but Fat Kid's also wanting to use them, so to make it fair they flip a dried out orange chip, and it apparently must have landed on the "spiky-haired doucheputz" side, because Fat Kid's taking them, and Bitter Jen is now stuck with having to use these teensy baby eggplants... JenFace3110109.JPG ...or she's describing Fat Kid's Queen Amidala boner... Of course, she makes me want to grab her by her side-ponytail and shove her face in Fat Kid's sweaty ass-crack when she goes on to say "I should change my idea right now, but I'm pretty much set on using eggplant." Oh yes, this kind of realization often ends well. Like never. Hey, guess what awesomely original idea Sexist Pigshit is having? Well, because Dicky Blazehawk once made bananas look like scallops, and because everybody knows that scallops are akin to Holy Manna from god's Seven-Eleven-In-heaven™, he's decided that he's going to make his leeks look like scallops, too! He's so proud of this idea that he's telling the others allll about it in that enduringly stupid way he has of stating the obvious, "I'm gonna call 'em 'leek-scallops'... cuz they'll look like scallops." Which is why it's all the more sweeter when DirtyBear glances at him and quick as a whip snorts, "Look like scallops, taste like shit." and goes right back to looking for more produce as Sexist Pigshit giggles along and pretends they're laughing with him and not at him. Privately he brags to us that his restaurant has 60 dishes on the menu and over 20 of them are vegetarian, "I'm not worried about anything."... MikeFace3110109.JPG ..."Because I can't possibly fuck up worse than Robin."... You know that's what he's thinking, too. Except what's so fucking great about leeks in the shape of scallops??!? You can have dogshit in the shape of candybars and it's still gonna taste like dogshit. Ah well, I can only hope and pray that the Ever-Turning Giant Scallop Of Karma™ is rumbling it's way down on him as we speak. Meanwhile, DirtyBear's really taking his time to think things through, noting that it's hard to get the same satiated feeling you have after a meaty meal when you've only got veggies to work with, and tells us he knows what it feels like because he and his wife apparently give up meat for Lent every year. OMG, I totally remember that! I always used to try and give up shit I really hated (such as peas and lima beans and going to church) but my mom insisted that that was not a sacrifice, you had to give up something that you really liked (such as ice cream or the movies or masturbation) or else Jesus would know you weren't serious and you might burn in hell for it. I would usually tell her that Heath-Crunch Klondike bars (and masturbation) were worth going to hell for and then I would find myself on a sudden fast for the rest of the evening. Or the week. Anyhow, he really wants to have a vegetable dish that's going to be satisfying, so he's using kale, turnips and morel mushrooms to create a meal that he hopes will have people forgetting that there was no meat in it... KevinFace2110109.JPG ...kinda like when you have a mouthful of Housewives... Now that the others have cleared out of the pantry, 80's Hooker is free to go crazy amongst the veggies, and go crazy she does as she tells us there were so many different ideas going through her head that she just "couldn't focus". *sigh* She's so blown away by the presence of fresh garbanzo beans and Hen-Of-The-Woods mushrooms and all the other awesome produce in Daddy tom's kitchen that she's going to make something with 84,627 components that she's never made before. Because 80's Hooker just lives to do shit like that, Sexist Pigshit's acting all cocky and calm, "Eh, I don't care what I cook... it don't make a difference to me.... I'll cook anything... I'll cook dogs!" Um, except that's not vegetarian, numbnuts. Plus, I gotta love his sincere passion for food there. Now we find out the other reason why he's so overconfident, it's because Mama Pigshit was a Vegan when he was growing up! I'm thinking it's too bad she wasn't more into contraception as well. Hey, here's Fat Kid again, and he says he actually feels kind of bad for the veg-heads because normally they just get a bunch of random tossed vegetables served to them, which is why he's using the eggplant for it's meat-like texture. He also acknowledges what we've all been saying for weeks when he admits he's really only been mediocre-middlin' in the competition so far, and says that it's annoying him. Well, that explains why he's paying it forward to the viewers! I guess not being a clear front-runner for top Chef can make someone bitter enough to become a cancer-victim-hater. "I might be immature in terms of my career or the house, but I'm just as passionate as anybody else!"... EliFace3110109.JPG ..."Just ask my Queen Amidala bop bag!"... Li'l Volt condescendingly tells Fat Kid that he "did a great job today." Oh please, on what exactly? I guess he must be referring to the Quickfire in which both of them were in the forgettable middle? Yeah, way to strive to be average. Fat Kid breaks his neck to kiss Li'l Volt's sour ass right back as he says "Chef, I'm just here to help you." Now Li'l Volt's boring me to tears talking about what an awesome artist he is with his food and shows us that he's taking all varieties of asparagus and doing all these amazing things with them (like dipping them in what looks like guacamole) and then continues travelling down Astonishing Avenue by mixing bananas and polenta together (which is an idea he picked up from one of the myriad chefs he's been fired by worked for). Of course, when 80's Hooker happens by and asks if she can borrow some of his boiling water he refuses her out-of-hand because she isn't one of the Cool Kids With Overgelled Hair™. He saves his niceties for guys like Fat Kid and Sexist Pigshit who bow down before his artistry... RobinMichael110109.JPG ...and, I might add, comes dangerously close to slicing off 80's Hooker's left nipple!!... Seriously uncool (not to mention unprofessional) to be gesturing with a sharp knife like that so closely in her direction! I could bet zillions that he would have chastised her for exactly the same thing if she had done something so careless! Ruh-roh! It looks like Project Leeky-Scallop has run into trouble. Sexist Pigshit insists he put his leeks in to boil within the first five minutes of their competition, but after 20 minutes the water isn't boiling, so he leaves them on for another 20 minutes and it still won't boil. Then he notices that his pot is wobbling and claims that a warped bottom is the reason why the water isn't boiling and the leeks aren't cooking. That could be true I suppose, but I would have thought at that point he'd have picked a different pot. Also, he's calling Daddy tom's cookware warped?... MikeFace4110109.JPG ...I smell someone running for Mayor Of ExcusesVille!... Bitter Jen's beating her vegetables against the table as part of her preparation, but it just looks plain abusive to me. She says she would never ever be a vegetarian, but she can cook vegetarian food when she absolutely has to. Well, gosh, it sounds like someone's Passion Tank is edging on over into the "E" (for "Eh") territory. The only way she could show any less enthusiasm would be if she were no longer breathing. She's still pissed that Fat Kid won the big eggplants out from under her, and says using the baby ones is going to make things that much harder. Which is why I'm beginning to believe that she's just plain tired of it all and wants to go home, and that's a damned shame. Then again, if I had to live with El Greeko Captain BlowHawk and The Skidmark Kid, I'd probably be ready to stick my head in the oven as well. We haven't heard much from Big Volt, prolly because he's been cooking as opposed to bullshitting everyone or congratulating himself. He says he felt pretty good going into this, but now realizes that he's going to be cutting it REallY close as far as the timing of completing his dish, which is making him nervous. Strangely, he doesn't seem to be looking for a way to blame the cookware, or the produce (or 80's Hooker) for the situation. Speaking of Sexist Pigshit, as time is running out he's gotten his leeks out and has attempted to cut them into their desired scallop shape and he's noticing they aren't really cooked all the way through and they're kinda tasteless, so he's decided to hide those facts by plating them in such a way that the diners will have to eat everything together and thus a magical and heavenly dish will be brought to life... SadLeeks110109.JPG ...except the sad, sad leeks seem to disagree... You know a dish is fucked up when the chef trots out "It is what it is" because that clearly means what it isn't is "any good". Still, points to Pigshit for sheer ballsiness in believing he can still pull this off without making Natalie Portman gag. Of course, 80's Hooker wouldn't be 80's Hooker if she didn't almost completely forget a main ingredient, which happens to be the very garbanzo beans she was orgasming over earlier in the challenge, and she runs out of time before she can get them on the last three plates. If that had been me I would have just been grabbing them by the double handful and pitching them down my line of plates in the hopes that everyone would get a few. Or I would have dumped everything in a big bowl and claimed I was serving it "family style". Or I would have made a salad and called it a "Lettucymphony". 80's is up first to present her dish to NatPort, her vegetarian friends and the judges... EliminationRobin103009.JPG ...oooh, trés vegedelic!... That plate looks like a set of Prang watercolors. After Scar takes a few bites she says the chermoula has a lot of salt in it, "I feel my ankles swelling!" and NatPort comments that she's never had fresh garbanzo beans before. Daddy tom speaks out right away to say he doesn't have any on his plate (ugh, of all the people to not get food!) but LottaButt is here to save the day and gives him a couple of his. Natalie likes the fact that the plate was so beautiful and says she loved, well... looking at it. Then Gail Simmo- OMG Gail's back this week! And she's wearing another one of her hideous blouses that looks like Audrey II tried to eat her but then gagged and spit her up half way!... GailSimmons110109.JPG ...and tell the little TV amateur next to you to stop breaking the fourth wall!... Sorry, I'm just so happy to see Gail that I don't even really mind her Little Loofah Dress of Horrors! Anyhow, she chimes in that there is definitely a salt/seasoning issue, and Daddy tom echoes that the entire dish is just out of balance. Natalie's starting to look pissy and put out... NatFace1110109.JPG ..."Don't these people remember that I was in Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium??!?"... Fat Kid's up next, and luckily his li'l boner for Queen Amidala doesn't hamper his ability to waddle. His dish also curiously looks like faux-scallops... x EliminationEli103009.JPG ...and it also appears to be giving us a Picasso-like frown... Gail's loving the texture of the eggplant while Natalie says she likes the salad. LottaButt says the presentation was thoughtful but that he just got a bit of lavender blossom in his mouth and that the effect was "rather polarizing" in that it made him think he was sucking on a bar of soap. Wellnow, if that isn't a pleasant after-dinner-taste! Fat Kid's back in the kitchen and warns Sexist Pigshit and Big Volt that Natalie's got "ten really hot friends with her!" which tells me he's got pretty low standards because we all know that NO Hollywood starlet is going to have pretty girlfriends, they will only surround themselves with a bevy of fuggos to enhance their own beauty in contrast... angieindia.jpg ...See? Angelina's an old pro at it!... Where was I? OH yeah, Li'l Volt is suddenly running around the kitchen (so unprofessional!) looking for his precious chopped hazelnuts. He's panicked because he's got so many components to plate, and he's using a blowtorch on some stuff as well. Naturally he talks some more about how he takes more risks than anyone else in the competition with his food (and if he calls himself a "maverick" then I'm going to make a sunburnt scoopy-nosed voodoo doll and shove every T-pin I can find at STAPLES into it). Of his puny competition he says, "I hope they understand my seriousness about winning this competition." I think the word he's really looking for is "humorlessness". Oh well, here's what he hopes will have Natalie Portman "go walking away from this dish scratching her head saying 'I don't know why I like that, but I just did.'"... EliminationMichael103009.JPG ...or maybe she'll have an allergic reaction to the bananas and stagger away scratching her throat and gasping for air... Natalie's all gushy over having banana in her polenta, she just can't say enough about it. Ugh, can it, bitch! For Jeebus' sake, It's not like getting peanut butter in your chocolate! Fortunately we can always count on Gail to give us a reality check, and she says while it's fun that Li'l Volt is kinda trying to turn everything upside down, she's discovered several large lumps of banana in her portion that she finds "a little bit off-putting." Excuse me a moment, but BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Even more fun, one of Nat's fuglier friends says Li'l Volt is "like, Picasso!" which gets a big laugh from everyone and forces Natalie to scramble to regain their attention as she claims the dish makes her so happy, "It makes me, like, smile and laugh, and I'm confused!" Blurgh, this is the same kind of ditzy crap that was coming out of Zooey Deschanel's mouth. Let's move on. Bitter Jen's not liking how her plates look, and she's noticed that the amount of food on them is supposedly much much less than everyone else's... EliminationJennifer103009.JPG ...well, if it's any consolation, that plate'd be a gigantic pigout feast to a walking skeleton like Rachel Zoe... She proceeds to go around the entire table and drizzle some of her verjus nage (pronounced "vair-ZHJOO nayyyzhjjuh") sauce on everyone's plates, but she's such a bundle of nerves that she might as well have just put it in a watering can and walked down each side of the table raining on everyone's plate as she goes. After she leaves, someone whispers "She was so nervous!" and Scar agrees that Jen was really shaking badly. Gail says everything tastes beautifully, there's lotsa flavor and for her the best part is the verjus! Nat agrees, saying it added "some danger to the presentation" since she almost spilled it on everyone! HA, it's great to make fun of other people's nerves, isn't it Nat? I hope you remember that the next time you have a tough audition for a part you really want. And I hope that part goes to Shannen Doherty instead of you. In any case, Gail also notes that it didn't quite feel substantial enough to be a main course, which sets Queen Amidala complaining that so many times vegetarians get served what "feels like a collection of sides". Oh wah, cry me a river Miss golden Globe Winner and then tell me you don't have your own personal fucking chef to cook you turnips in ten thousand ways. I'll smack you with a soggy leek. Oooh, speaking of which, it's time for those as well!... EliminationMike103009.JPG ...I can't express how utterly appetizing it would be to have an exploded and deflated used- condom served to me... Scar zeroes in on him right away when he gets done with his description, bluntly asking "So where is the protein?" and Pigshit stutters that the "vision" he had for the protein was the leek. Daddy tom and Nat both look incredulous at this... tomAndNat110109.JPG ...perhaps he was referring to the stuff inside those ribbed and damaged Trojans?... Scar says it smells like boiled turnips or cabbage, and Daddy tom says "If this were a steak, it's too rare." One of Nat's other fug friends says the orange and purple colors of the dish were beautiful, but Natalie herself says she wants to like it more since she loves leeks and purple is her favorite color, but, eh, not so much here. Gail thinks there might have been a good idea in there somewhere, but he just didn't execute it properly. Pardon me a moment while I do the Happy Condomania Dance™! As he predicted, Big Volt nearly ran out of time, and wound up having to scatter his garlic on his plates in a fashion that is not his usual method, it turns out he also left some items off the dish as well and fears he might be bottoming tonight as well... EliminationBryan103009.JPG ...this is an entreé??!?... Funny, his dish looks about as anemic as Bitter Jen's did, portionwise, but nobody's saying anything about that. Natalie says it tastes lemony, and Scar asks her if she likes the garlic blossoms he threw on the plates. She replies that they're spicy and then Scar says "It's like a little prick on the tip of my tongue!" which makes everyone giggle (cuz we all know whose little prick she's had on her tongue) as she tries to clarify that although the blossoms are tiny in size they were "big in your mouth" and they all cackle some more. Since Daddy tom can't turn down a lame sex joke he jumps right in, saying "They went from a little prick to big in your mouth." which prompts a raspy-voiced member of Nat's FugCrew to fire back at him, "That's what usually happens!"... FugFriend110109.JPG ...uhhh, not for you it doesn't... Jeez, my 64-year-old heavily Catholic mother can come up with a better double-entendré than that! Anyhow, they don't really say anything else about Big Volt's dish, so I guess silly sex references are the best compliment he's going to get out of it. You're welcome, Biggie. Lastly, DirtyBear's plating his dish and notes that it's a lot sloppier looking than he'd like it to be, but veggies just don't behave the same way animal flesh does when you're serving them to people, and he's intimidated by some of the prettier plates people have put out... EliminationKevin103009.JPG ...eeee, he's right, that does look a little splatty... LottaButt immediately notices that DirtyBear's dish is "richer" and "feels more like an entreé". Gail calls it "meaty" as well, but says the smoke on the kale was really strong and a little out of balance for her. Daddy tom says DirtyBear's dish proved that veggies "don't have to be light all the time" while Nat calls it "a manly vegetarian meal!" Mm-hmm, you ain't kiddin' sister. DirtyBear's my kinda man. As for the shitfucker who clearly isn't my kind of man, Sexist Pigshit's nervous because he knows he didn't execute well, but is holding on to the fact that 80's Hooker didn't finish plating, either, which obviously makes him feel better, "I'm not concerned at this point, I know I'm gonna pull through. I always do." Dear Karma Scallop: please don't let me down again. Especially when Bitter Jen is pretty sure she screwed the roots out of her dish. BTW, they all got a chance to have a fabulous dinner at LottaButt's restaurant, and DirtyBear is making me fall hard for him when he tells everyone that he once ate 130 chicken wings in an hour!... KevinHearts110109.gif ...dammit, DirtyBear, stop teasing me with your fabulousness!... He says the spread of Italian food that LottaButt made for them was one of the best meals he's ever had, and it appears there was no shortage of meats in it, either. I bet Daddy tom wishes he had been there, too, instead of getting hit on by NataPort's Fug Posse as they get drunk on the vino. Scar enters the Stew Room and asks to see DirtyBear (yay!), Li'l Volt (boo!) and Fat Kid (double boo!). Ah well, at least we can enjoy the rictus of horror on Sexist Pigshit's face as he realizes he's not winning this round... MikeFace5110109.JPG ...awwww, sad leek dance!... Daddy tom tells Li'l Volt he was convinced the whole banana-polenta thing wasn't going to work, but the dish reminded him why he should keep an open mind to things, because it actually did work. Natalie says the dish had so much humor in it, she just loved how everyone ate it and gave each other WTF looks. Weird how it came from the most humor-free cheftestant in the universe. As for Fat Kid, I think he's about to pop right there in his BVD XXLs just being so close to the Mother of Princess Leia, he barely hears Gail telling him how great his dish was, or Daddy tom telling him how much fun it was... KevinEliGif110109.gif ...Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. ... As for DirtyBear, Natalie's gushing, she loves kale, people rarely do it well for her, it had great texture, the flavor was special, it was just a wonderful dish, and Daddy tom agrees and says he "didn't miss the meat at all!" So Natalie gets to tell them who won... and it's DIRTYBEAR AGAIN!!!! OMG, he's the first one to pull of a Quickfire/Elimination combo like this! He's happy to have won this one, because he feels like he's proven he can cook veggies as well as meat. Plus, he's won a "suite" of G.E. Monotone appliances just like the ones they've been using in the top Chef Kitchen! Of course, it wouldn't be right to have someone win without Li'l Volt being bitter about losing and talking shit. "He put turnip pureé, roasted turnips and a big pile of sauteéd mushrooms on top of that. *I* could have made that dish in 20 minutes."... MichaelFace110109.JPG ...and now I bet Bitter Boyfriend wishes he had, huh?... Oh, but he's not done... "For a dish that I could have made the second year of my apprenticeship to win? I was obviously pissed off." Yes, because everyone knows blowtorches automatically make food taste better. At least, that was Jeffrey Dahmer's opinion on the subject. Asshat. Oh well, too bad for you Li'l Voltie, you're the bridesmaid once again. Meanwhile, Fat Kid's invited 80's Hooker, Bitter Jen... and Sexist Pigshit to go see the judges! Starting with Pigshit, Natalie wants to know why his dish didn't really have a protein on it, and he trots out his same tired-ass story about wanting to make his leek-scallops because they'd look like a protein. Gail's kinda incredulous here, "But, you know that leeks aren't protein, right?" and Sexist is forced to answer "Yes!" (with a tinge of his nasty attitude thrown back at her for good measure). Scar says they were super-pungent because they weren't cooked evenly, and he starts blaming his buckled pot for not heating the water, and tries to claim everything else in the dish was great, but Daddy tom says nothing else mattered, they couldn't get past the shitty leeks, and insists that he could have cut them in half and roasted them in 20 minutes, they just wouldn't have looked like scallops. Pigshit just shrugs and says he didn't think of it. "Whatever, whatever... what am I gonna do?" tomFace2110109.JPG ...uhhh, piss off the head judge for starters?... Yeah, his blasé attitude is going over real well with Daddy tom. 80's Hooker is next and goes on another one of her big babbling explanations of why her dish should have worked, but she also mentions having never worked with fresh garbanzo beans before and never having stuffed a squash blossom before and blah blah blah everyone's eyes are glazing over, and finally Daddy tom stops her and says she's all over the map, the dish can't come together because there's nothing to tie it together, plus he didn't get any garbanzo beans on his plate. 80's Hooker admits that she cooked with her "head spinning" today. For Bitter Jen, Scar's complaint is that she didn't see two hours worth of work on the plate, and Daddy tom tells her it felt like she just put forth a garnish. Jen admits it was barely bigger than an amuse-bouche. Scar also brings up the fact that some of them wound up wearing her verjus nage sauce, and Jen just pleads that the judges always make her nervous. Daddy tom points out that her performance has been tanking, and she says she hopes she has another day to prove to them that she's good, and if not, thanks for the opportunity. That kind of defeatist stuff never sits well with Daddy tom, either. They are sent out. Once alone, Daddy tom says he likes the fact that this challenge throws the cheftestants out of their comfort zones, some of them were able to roll with it really well, while others sucked shit through a tube. Then Natalie gets all bitchy diva on us and says "It's a very real-life challenge! I am constantly walking into restaurants that don't have vegetarian entreés.... and the chefs improvise!"... NatalieFace2110109.JPG ...Okay, um... a.) Then quit walking into Black Angus and Ruth's Chris... and b.) Most chefs won't "improvise" for regular peons like me, only celebitches like you... and c.) Carry a Ziploc of carrot sticks with you and stop trying to ruin Burger King for everyone else!... Gail notes that Sexist Pigshit is exuding a lot of arrogance as if he knows he didn't do well but doesn't really believe he's going to go home for it. Natalie points out that he kept focusing on the leeks as the issue, but she didn't really like the other elements of his dish, either. Meanwhile Pigshit's back in the Stew Room making more excuses, saying that he didn't have access to the stuff he normally uses, like his "yogurts and whatever else." 80's Hooker looks him dead in the face and quietly says "Shoulda, woulda, coulda." BWAHAHAHAHAHA, good one 80's!... ViewerPoll110109.JPG ...even though everybody still hates you... So they are called back and after the rehashing of everyone's faults, the chef going home tonight... OMG, OMG, OMG, OMFG, IT'S FUCKING SEXIST PIGSHIT!!!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLLOL!! 80's Hooker outlasted him! Thank you for answering my prayers, Karmic Scallop! Of course he's not going to gracefully fade away without insisting that she should have gone home before him, but fuck that, this is like Christmas come early. Now if she could just pick off Fat Kid next, I'd feel like this season had fulfilled my every desire. As for 80's Hooker, she's happy to still be around, and feels that the mood in the house should become less "backstabby" and "ugly" now that Pigshit's leaving. Of course, right as she says this they show Fat Kid throwing a temper tantrum and kicking stuff off of a shelf like the little fatbrat he is. Um, I think the "ugly" and "backstabby" ain't really gone yet, honey. And there we have it! What did you think of this episode? Are you as pleased as I am to see Sexist Pigshit leaving BEFORE 80's Hooker? Do you no longer wish for Li'l Volt to win this season? And wasn't Natalie Portman kind of a cooze? Thanks as always for your patience and commentary, and I hope everybody had a Happy Halloween. I'm off to have some more "fun-size" candybars now. love, J-Mo :)